Epiphany!

So, I have been struggling with a lot recently. It's so strange that I am discovering all this during Lent - no, not strange, God. I am observing the 40 days of Lent for the first time in a long time. I am truely searching for significance, for my purpose. I've felt distant - pretty much from everything for a while now. I've been thinking that it's ok for me to be in a rut, to be lacking in passion for anything because this is my "waiting" time. I am constantly looking at my life thinking "when Ryan's finished with school..." "when we start our family..." "when the test results say...." I find myself saying these things about everything. Work, home, relationships, family. But, God is showing me that this is NOT a waiting time! This is a time of preparation!!
I have been worrying that I somehow missed a turn, that maybe I'm not supposed to be here right now. Am I like this because I have been running from God's big life calling for me? Am I Jonah? No! I'm Moses, God has taken my mistakes and my shortfalls and led me to this EXACT place for an exact purpose. After Moses' heart was broken for his people, he had a time of preparation. He had a job, got married, worked hard. I am in the job I need to be in. I am in the life phase I need to be in. I have the people in my life that I need. God is in control - how is it so easy to forget that?! God knew the exact time to come to Moses in the burning bush. Was it easy? No. Was it God's perfect timing? Yes. Like Nehemiah, my heart has been broken for a people. I know that God has big plans for me - for each of us. He hasn't forgotten me, nor has he given up on me because I mess up too much. Each mistake and mess up are just more opportunities for Him to lead me, to comfort me, to show me that He can use anyone and anything. I am in my "40 years" - hopefully not literally! My prayer now is that I use this time to truly prepare myself for what is next. My prayer is that when God comes to me I won't say no but that I will willingly do what I am being called to.

Christmas time....

So... a lot has happened since my last post.... I will sum it up quickly so that you might have a little idea of where I am coming from this Christmas season... Ryan and I have had many sturggles this year. Health, financial, job, stress, relational - you name it! I had surgery a month or so ago only to find out that the best treatment for me costs too much for us to consider it an option right now. I am trying to move to full-time at CASA but since it's a non-profit and times are tough, there is not enough financial backing to make it possible right now, so I am still working 2 jobs and getting very tired... Ryan has had a tough semester adjusting to being back in classes and still keeping his 40 hours at work along with the stress that he works for a construction company which hasn't got any work in a long time. These things start to build up and around Christmas time (which is also the most expensive time...) it's hard to feel the "wonder" and "awe" of the season.
I was beginning to spiral down into a "bah, humbug!" kind of attitude. A single friend of mine came over, also feeling pretty bummed all around about Christmas, and was convinced that since she's single, she shouldn't decorate or get a Christmas tree. "WHAT?" I said "You HAVE to get a Christmas tree!!" "I don't even celebrate Christmas, anyway" she replied curtly "You know I'm not religious. And I think it's mean to kill trees!" I was so bummed out when she left I was determined to buy her a Christmas tree while she was at work one day. Well, a week went by and I hadn't had the chance. I was starting to think she was right. Maybe Christmas IS just another day and the only reason we're exicted as kids is because of the presents. I wanted so badly to feel that fuzzy feeling when I drove down the street and saw all the lights, but all I felt was the pressure to get the cookies baked, groceries and last minute gifts bought and wrapped, and the need for extra hours at work to pay for it all. My friend and I made plans to go to dinner together and I was still thinking I would go and get a Christmas tree for her and bring it when I came to pick her up. So, I called her about an hour before we were getting together and she was SO excited "I GOT A CHRISTMAS TREE!!" she yelled into the phone "I'm so excited!! I'm going to pick it up and will meet you at the house so you can help me move it in!" I went over there and helped her move her incredibly heavy (root ball - replantible) tree into the house. I have been praying for this girl for 10 years. She is more family to me than some of my family. As I looked at her it was like we were kids again. She started telling me about how when she was little and they still went to church she used to love watching the handbell choir - she was just in awe of how they could get that beautiful music out of those little bells, and how they all knew to ring at just the right time. She said as she was running errand that day the memory came back to her and she thought "I do need a little Christmas this year..."
Wow. How could I have missed it? Christmas isn't about spending too much or trying to get everything done. Christmas is stopping and listening and letting the awe of the first Christmas wash over you. How could I have missed something I have been taught since I was so little? If I want it to feel like Christmas again, all I have to do is think about what Christmas really means.

Monday mornings.

Ok, so, Monday mornings are often are the crappiest of mornings, but this one just really takes the cake. I mean, literally, if I had cake and was about to take a big bite, this morning would have ripped it out of my hand, taken a huge bite and washed it down with a cold glass of milk right in my face.
I woke up late with a raging headache (this is following a terrible night's sleep), got in the shower which had NO pressure and wouldn't get super hot - I have no clue why, other than the fact that Monday mornings are spiteful and mean. Got out and got dressed, drank a little coffee then didn't have time to dry my hair since I was running late. Threw on my shoes and grabbed a campbell's soup at hand and an apple and jumped in the car. I realized then that I left my cell phone and planner in the house. Had to go back to get them. Got back in the car and realized that something in there smells funny - I still have NOT checked that one out. Backed down the driveway and pulled out onto the road looking at the clock which said I had 4 minutes to get to work. No big deal, it only takes 5 at the most. Look back up from the clock and see a cop - hidden around a corner in front of someone's house in a parking spot. It looked like maybe he lived there and that the car was empty, but just to be safe I slowed down to the speed limit. He must have been clocking people sitting backwards because I was NOT over the limit by the time I was anywhere close to him, but sure enough as I passed him I saw the lights come on. Out gets the youngest looking cop I have ever seen. He asks for my license, registration and proof of insurance. He asks me why I was going so fast, and I let him know I only have 4 minutes until I have to be at work. I then hand him my license and proof of insurance no problem. Registration? What does that even really look like? I don't think I have ever really given that to a cop when they have pulled me over. Isn't it the same as the tag on the license plate? Anyway, I tell him I don't think I have it. He asks if the car is in my name, I say yes. He goes back to his car for - no lie, 13 minutes. What in the world takes that long?! So, I'm sitting there debating whether or not to put the radio on since I don't want him to come back and be mad that I've been jamming to Michael Buble while he's been writing me a ticket. He comes back to the window and lets me know he clocked me going, get this, 29 in a 25. I'm thinking "ok, so a warning...." NOPE. He goes on to say that he has a citation for me, and that the court date is in a couple of weeks. ARE YOU KIDDING?! 4 miles per hour over?! Really?! At least get me heading to Knoxville going 20 or more over!! Does he know I work at a non-profit?!? On the brighter side, my boss said he should not have given me a ticket and she would let me out of work for a morning to go to court for that. So, I guess it's off to court for me.

So, we had a scare on Wednesday since Xanthe wasn't able to eat right away, but thanks to all the prayers so did start eating and they got to go home. She is SO beautiful - what a blessing!
I feel like we have been baby bombarded this weekend! First of all, it seems like EVERYONE has or is having babies!! We have been right in the middle of Xanthe coming into the world for the last week, then our friends Kandi and Steve had their baby so we were there Sunday afternoon before going to.... yep, Ryan went with me.... Babies R us for yet another baby shower gift. It seems like I have been spending a lot of time (and a LOT of money!) in that store... I almost started asking about rewards programs and stuff!!
I am feeling good that more and more we are assured that our lives are being held carefully in God's hands and that He has perfect timing for us for all the blessings that this life will bring. We are so thankful to have this time to grow together and learn more about each other before trying to bring another life into our crazy world!!
Well, I was really excited about having a long weekend, but it feels like I am more exhausted than I was before it started! We decided to start work on some (crazy and time-consuming) projects at home, I have had meals to cook and take places, a sick amount of cakes / cupcakes to make and take, lots of visiting and baby cooing to do, then as if I wasn't tired enough, we went to watch the game last night. I decided before we left that it would be better for me to go home at half-time since I really needed to get some sleep. I get home about 10:30 and started cleaning house and stuff, I had the game on the radio (yeah, no cable) talked to my friend Laurel for a while, then finally went to bed only I couldn't sleep because the game was now in overtime. I was so mad with the end result. I can't even talk about it right now. So here I am, sitting at my desk with giant bags under my eyes waiting, again, for the weekend!!

Xanthe - at last!

It's been an interesting few days... We have been waiting patiently (or not so patiently) for Xanthe Noelle (my brother and sister-in-law's) baby to be born. We had been thinking "anytime now" for the last 3 weeks. Well, Monday night I had a feeling I should make sure and keep my cell phone close, and sure enough, at 12:30am-ish it started going off. It was Tim saying Annie's water had broken and he would call back soon and let me know if I should head over to take care of CJ (their 4 year old daughter). He soon called back and said "yeah, get over here!" so I threw on a hoodie and some flip flops (I already had shorts on, no worries!) and got over there! Annie was walking around and packing some last minute things. They said "it could be 20 minutes or 2 hours before we have to leave" I said, "ok, cool." So, we talked for a while. We watched a little tv. Around 2:30 or so I said I was going to try and get some sleep but I would take CJ to preschool in the morning and pick her back up - no worries. Well, I went to bed. I heard talking. I heard the doula come in. I dozed off a few times. At around 7am, I still heard talking and went downstairs to see Annie making coffee. "What the heck?!" I said. "Yeah, I know!" replied Annie. So, I headed home for a quick shower and went to work. Ok, so here's what was going on at work: my boss is leaving the next day and we have 5 grants that needed to get out, deposits that needed to be made, reports to finish, payroll to get out, bills to pay, and then all the regular daily stuff. So, I tell her what had happened the night before and that she should be having the baby anytime and that if it's ok.... "no, no, no!!" says Cyndy (my boss - who is the best boss ever and is always more than willing to work anything out) "we have SO MUCH to do!!" I reply "I know.... but I need to head out around 1 to get to Cedar Bluff to pick up my niece...." So, a decision is made. We will get to work - and we will work FAST! Despite the (many) interruptions, we kicked booty! We got a ton of stuff done and when it was time for me to head out, it wasn't too big of a deal. So, at a little after 1 I jumped in the station wagon (yeah, my brother's (beige)family car!) and headed to get CJ from school. I was in the pick-up line on time (even if I was last) and got her loaded up! We headed over to the DeColores Cafe for gelato and to look at the fish for a while (still no big contractions, but they were at the hospital), then we went to build-a-bear (yeah, I know, SO fun!!) then we headed home. At this point I am thinking to myself "surely the baby has been born or is at least close!" We get to the house. My brother is there picking up some stuff they forgot. "no big contractions yet" he informs me. So, CJ and I sit down and watch some tv. Then we play with Sissy (her build-a-bear). Then we play hide-and-seek. Then I get her some dinner. Then we watch a little more tv while playing a game. Then we get on buildabearville.com (yeah, it's actually really cool) then we play hide and seek some more. Then we play with Sissy some more. Then I think to myself "crap! isn't it bedtime yet?!" (please remember the giant lack of sleep from the night before) I look at the clock and it's not even 7pm. No joke. We play some more. Then I say "maybe we should get ready for bed..." low and behold, it WORKED! She said "ok, Nay Nay" (I'm telling you, this is the cutest and sweetest child. Any other child would have been long tranquilized and thrown in a corner, but she is SO much fun and SO sweet!!) So, we brush teeth, get pj's on and read some stories. Then, and this is the best, she says "will you read my devotion now?" and pulls out a devotion book. I choked back the tears and read it to her. "Wow" I'm thinking "no wonder Jesus loves being with children." So, then we say prayers, sing some songs and have a hug goodnight. I went downstairs and waited for my husband to come - who arrived with Chinese food! Yes, best husband ever. At 9:40pm we call and the baby has been born!! We went upstairs and watched tv for most of the night but for a few hours rest. Ryan left to get ready for work and I waited for my brother to come home. At 7:30 this morning, he came home and we all got ready and headed to the hospital where I got to hold the beautiful and precious baby that is Xanthe Noelle Lucas - born at last!!

After leaving the hospital, (where I saw Taylor Brown!!! who was waiting on Bill and Betsy's baby to be born - congrats Bill and Betsy!) already late for work, I stopped at Starbucks for a white chocolate mocha! Just what I needed. Now, I guess I should tackle this enourmous stack of work.....

Do you ever look back at your life and see huge mistakes that you made? Maybe at the time it didn't seem like a mistake, but now you can see it was? I'm caught in amazement this morning thinking back on the last few years. I know that I have handled more tough situations badly than well. I know I had made many mistakes. How then, do I have such confidence in where I am and what I am doing now?
If I made life-changing decisions based on pride or frustration which threw me into a totally different place, how is that place where I should be?! Does this make any sense to anyone? I mean, let's say I made a giant mistake which causes my life track to be completely turned around, how did I end up in a place that feels like I should have been here all along?

bottled emotions.

Have you ever had something happen that is so painful that it makes you sick? Like, someone said something to hurt you or told you something they should never have told you or you found something out that you were never supposed to know?
I wish that there was a way to turn emotions on and off. Or maybe put in a drain that whenever you are so filled with hurt, anger or other painful emotions that you could just turn on the faucet and let them all out.
I'm finding that I don't know how to deal with some of these things.
How do you explain to people that you already have more than enough to deal with and don't need more? How do you balance what you feel you "should" do with what you "want" to do with what you really need to do?! How do you know what it is that you need to do? What if you THINK it's what you need but then find out it was only what you want? How do you tell someone they they've hurt you when you know all that will do is hurt them? How do you figure out the root of the pain?