Love is what makes a family...

So, Saturday morning Ryan and I hit the greenways on our bikes... as usual, I took off up ahead - left to the sounds of my own breathing and my own thoughts.  After a few minutes, I stopped to find my headphones and start some music.  As I kept riding, loud music blasting, I couldn't stop myself from wondering why I hate being alone with my thoughts.  I've been through this other times in life. Weeks and months when the idea of being alone in silence is horrifying.  At the base of this terror, I believe is a lack of acceptance of myself. Here's the interesting part - If I don't even like being with me, how and why do I expect others to?? I took out my headphones and forced myself to keep riding ahead.  Alone.  Alone with my own thoughts.  I would love to be able to say that by the end of the ride, I had reconciled with myself and worked out all my internal issues, but that's not true.  I will say, that acknowledging the issues exist and spen...

So, Ryan and I just hit 7 years.... the 7 year itch as they say. Even though we still have a great time together, still make time for getaways and bike rides, there is still a sadness that comes with the comfort of being together that long.  We went out on Saturday night to dinner and movie... as we were laughing loud in the movie theater it struck me that short of a couple very close girlfriends, there is no one else I could sit by and feel that comfortable cry-laughing next to. The same things that are awesome about being married for a while are the same things that make it sad... the comfort to cry-laugh means there's also the comfort to be in a gross bathrobe with no make-up eating ice-cream at 10pm on a Tuesday. There can be a loss of passion and excitement. The butterflies. The "what's going to happen now?!" feeling of being with someone you don't know. As that fades, it's easy to get in a rut. For me, being in a rut is one of the most frustrating fee...

So, Maybe I'm the only person who struggles with this, but I somehow think I'm probably not.  I struggle with this strange balance of believing that I am worthy of life and the responsibility for running everyone else's for them.  Let me explain a little more... there are days I wake up and feel like a total failure unworthy of the life I've been given - those days are rough.  Then there are days I feel as though anything that's wrong in someone else's life is somehow my fault - those are rougher.  I have struggled for years trying to understand this about myself.  I think on some level I believe that if I spend my life fixing other people's, I am somehow then worthy of the life I've been given.  Maybe some days I just believe I am stronger and wiser than most!  Who knows?!  All I know is that for years, my friendships have been built on my ability to do something for the other person.  That is, until recently.  I am so thankful...

Different days are tough for different reasons. Sometimes it's because I realize how horrifying the world is. Sometimes it's because everything seems to be going wrong. Other days it's because I wake up with a hole in my heart that makes me feel empty for days. There are times talking about that with a good friend can make all the difference. But there are also times that people only make it worse. I'm tired of being treated like a lesser person or that I don't understand what life is really about because I don't have children. I know that there are things you can only learn or experience if you are a parent. Those are experiences I long for. It's not for lack of desire or trying. You can't go get a baby from Wal-Mart. Well, you could, but it's not recommended. It will likely land you in jail. Despite common belief, there are not actually hundreds of babies waiting in Oliver-style orphanages to be adopted. Sometimes things are harder and m...

"Deciding everything is falling into place perfectly... as long as you don't get too picky about what you mean by place... or perfectly."    For those of you who don't know, I'm slightly obsessed with Brian Andreas Story People and this one really struck me when I came across it the other day.  How much better is life when we decide that everything is falling into place perfectly? Sure, it might not be going the way we anticipated or even prefer, but making the decision to not only accept things the way they are but decide that they are  perfect...  wow.  How freeing is that??  I woke up this morning and thought about all the plans I had made for this week and how many rearrangements I am having to make, how many things have come up to mess with my "best laid plans" and decided to accept everything that is happening this week for the way it is - perfect. 

So, I don't know if everyone feels like this... but I have to say, my friends are FIERCE.  I am well aware of my many faults but I have a group of friends who overlook my many flaws on a daily basis and love me anyway... HARD.  I am impulsive and often stick my foot in my mouth - I know I hurt people's feelings far more than I even realize and there are people who still stick with me, defend me and encourage me to be MYSELF.  Friendship shouldn't only be about the "love you girls" but also the willingness to put in the extra work when times are tough. Friends who are willing to step up and speak out when you are about to do something stupid. My friends do that for me too. Even when they know I won't take it well.  Honestly, my friends, the people in my life who love me fiercely, are my heroes. I hope one day to be even half the friend that these amazing people are. I couldn't get through life without them and I certainly don't deserve them...

Sometimes in life we make poor choices.  Those choices can make us feel locked in and hopeless.  As a naturally impulsive person, I can honestly say I end many days regretting choices. Sometimes small and sometimes large.   F. Scott Fitzgerald always speaks to my heart and gives me the affirmations I am sure my friends are tired of giving me.  This quote speaks to the best and worst of me.  and I love it.   It's okay to be crazy and impulsive.  It's okay to be loud and extroverted.  It's okay to want to go everywhere and learn everything.  Most of all, it's okay to have high expectations for your life .  I will continue to be ME  remembering that if I wake up one day in a life I'm not proud of, it's never too late to try again.  

Do you ever have one of those phases in life where every day you're shocked that time is flying so fast?? Yeah, that's me right now. I can't believe it's June already and that I will be 31 in just a few short weeks....  I saw this post today and have to admit, I didn't realize other people felt that way. I feel horrible for admitting that I identify with this thought, but sometimes we can put so much pressure on ourselves to be a certain way it feels like the only way not to be a disappointment is to start over.  I'm so tired of waking up with a weight on me so heavy I can barely breathe.  If someone makes you feel like a disappointment or that your best isn't good enough - it might be a good time to reevaluate that relationship. Today, I will face the fear of not being perfect and simply do the best I can.  I can't change the choices I made yesterday, all I can do is ask for forgiveness and try again today.  Every day can be a beautiful one ...

I very rarely blog... I guess I feel that in general I wear my heart on my sleeve and there are few things I could have to share - and those things are generally things I would never want shared... However, I am currently overcome with a need to write some thoughts. Each year around this time - approaching my birthday - I like to take a few moments to reflect on the last year.  To look back on the past 12 months - the new experiences I've had, people I've met, challenges I've faced and opportunities I missed.  Each year as I do this, I hope to see more times of being open to adventures and embracing obstacles that appear unmanageable.  I hope to see growth in abilities and maturity.  I hope to see the decisions of where to spend my time were wise ones. Maybe I increased the pressure this past year - I've always felt as though I could use my 20's to still "figure things out" but by 30, well, the path should be clear and I should be on it.  What I do kn...

So here we are - 2014.  This year will bring my 31st birthday, Ryan's 34th and our 7th anniversary! It's hard to believe that time is moving so fast... I have a lofty list of goals for myself this year and high ambitions to check each one off! Although I fell short on my 30x30 list, I am confident that each passing year will bring a lot of new experiences and new lessons. The biggest goal I have for this year is to read more. I feel that reflecting more comes with reading more and maturity comes with this increase in reflection.  I pray that I will open myself up to show others more love and acceptance.  To let bitterness go and to be grateful for the blessings I have in life daily. I want to live in the present, acknowledge the everyday blessings in my life and make thankfulness my number one feeling. I want to trust God with each step I take and not need to control each movement. I know that this year will bring many blessings if I can give over the reigns but will h...