Love is what makes a family...

So, Saturday morning Ryan and I hit the greenways on our bikes... as usual, I took off up ahead - left to the sounds of my own breathing and my own thoughts.  After a few minutes, I stopped to find my headphones and start some music.  As I kept riding, loud music blasting, I couldn't stop myself from wondering why I hate being alone with my thoughts.  I've been through this other times in life. Weeks and months when the idea of being alone in silence is horrifying.  At the base of this terror, I believe is a lack of acceptance of myself. Here's the interesting part - If I don't even like being with me, how and why do I expect others to?? I took out my headphones and forced myself to keep riding ahead.  Alone.  Alone with my own thoughts.  I would love to be able to say that by the end of the ride, I had reconciled with myself and worked out all my internal issues, but that's not true.  I will say, that acknowledging the issues exist and spen...

So, Ryan and I just hit 7 years.... the 7 year itch as they say. Even though we still have a great time together, still make time for getaways and bike rides, there is still a sadness that comes with the comfort of being together that long.  We went out on Saturday night to dinner and movie... as we were laughing loud in the movie theater it struck me that short of a couple very close girlfriends, there is no one else I could sit by and feel that comfortable cry-laughing next to. The same things that are awesome about being married for a while are the same things that make it sad... the comfort to cry-laugh means there's also the comfort to be in a gross bathrobe with no make-up eating ice-cream at 10pm on a Tuesday. There can be a loss of passion and excitement. The butterflies. The "what's going to happen now?!" feeling of being with someone you don't know. As that fades, it's easy to get in a rut. For me, being in a rut is one of the most frustrating fee...

So, Maybe I'm the only person who struggles with this, but I somehow think I'm probably not.  I struggle with this strange balance of believing that I am worthy of life and the responsibility for running everyone else's for them.  Let me explain a little more... there are days I wake up and feel like a total failure unworthy of the life I've been given - those days are rough.  Then there are days I feel as though anything that's wrong in someone else's life is somehow my fault - those are rougher.  I have struggled for years trying to understand this about myself.  I think on some level I believe that if I spend my life fixing other people's, I am somehow then worthy of the life I've been given.  Maybe some days I just believe I am stronger and wiser than most!  Who knows?!  All I know is that for years, my friendships have been built on my ability to do something for the other person.  That is, until recently.  I am so thankful...

Different days are tough for different reasons. Sometimes it's because I realize how horrifying the world is. Sometimes it's because everything seems to be going wrong. Other days it's because I wake up with a hole in my heart that makes me feel empty for days. There are times talking about that with a good friend can make all the difference. But there are also times that people only make it worse. I'm tired of being treated like a lesser person or that I don't understand what life is really about because I don't have children. I know that there are things you can only learn or experience if you are a parent. Those are experiences I long for. It's not for lack of desire or trying. You can't go get a baby from Wal-Mart. Well, you could, but it's not recommended. It will likely land you in jail. Despite common belief, there are not actually hundreds of babies waiting in Oliver-style orphanages to be adopted. Sometimes things are harder and m...