It's Mother's Day! For years, I have deeply struggled with Mother's Day. While I love my own mother deeply, it's been hard to celebrate a day that brings with it such mixed feelings.
I don't know what I expected for this Mother's Day... I certainly didn't have any expectations or desires of grand gestures or celebrations. What I didn't expect (and should have) was anger and frustrations.
While making dinner the other night, Ryan brought up the subject of Mother's Day... and my boy looked right at me and said "I don't have to be nice to you, you're not my mom."
Of course, tears sprung into my eyes. Not because I was hurt - I know I'm not his mom. Not surprise - I know how he feels about it. I guess it was just the hurt and shock that the hardest day of my year is also the hardest day of his year. Later that night, he came to me and asked why I was sad... I explained that Mother's Day always makes me sad because I don't have children... he looked up and said "well, you don't have to be sad anymore. You have me... but I still have to be sad. I don't have a mom." I said "I know I'm not your mom, but you have me, too."
Each night I write him notes in a book, mostly just reminders of how happy we are to have him here and to thank him for good choices he's made. That night I wrote "I know I'm not your mom, but I'm glad you're here so we can be sad together on Sunday."
Today, we had a lot of smiles, but we were also sad together. But a happy kind of sad. While neither of us feels as though we can really celebrate Mother's Day yet, he's right, we do have each other.
While our wounds are still deep, we are helping each other heal.
Oh, and don't feel sad for me, Ryan absolutely still got me this incredible Mother's Day bracelet! And my boy loves it... he smiled when he saw me wearing it and was SO thrilled that the stones in the last charm are his birthstone.
I don't know what I expected for this Mother's Day... I certainly didn't have any expectations or desires of grand gestures or celebrations. What I didn't expect (and should have) was anger and frustrations.
While making dinner the other night, Ryan brought up the subject of Mother's Day... and my boy looked right at me and said "I don't have to be nice to you, you're not my mom."
Of course, tears sprung into my eyes. Not because I was hurt - I know I'm not his mom. Not surprise - I know how he feels about it. I guess it was just the hurt and shock that the hardest day of my year is also the hardest day of his year. Later that night, he came to me and asked why I was sad... I explained that Mother's Day always makes me sad because I don't have children... he looked up and said "well, you don't have to be sad anymore. You have me... but I still have to be sad. I don't have a mom." I said "I know I'm not your mom, but you have me, too."
Each night I write him notes in a book, mostly just reminders of how happy we are to have him here and to thank him for good choices he's made. That night I wrote "I know I'm not your mom, but I'm glad you're here so we can be sad together on Sunday."
Today, we had a lot of smiles, but we were also sad together. But a happy kind of sad. While neither of us feels as though we can really celebrate Mother's Day yet, he's right, we do have each other.
While our wounds are still deep, we are helping each other heal.
Oh, and don't feel sad for me, Ryan absolutely still got me this incredible Mother's Day bracelet! And my boy loves it... he smiled when he saw me wearing it and was SO thrilled that the stones in the last charm are his birthstone.
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