Let me preface this blog entry with the fact that the only reason why Ryan and I have (what we believe to be...) a strong marriage is because of the amazing support and advice we have received from many. Advice from those who know far more than us has contributed to our professional and personal lives a great deal and we are very open to help from all!!
We have had a huge amount of helpful parenting advice since we opened our home... however, we have also had comments about how to deal with negative behaviors. Yes, we have been struggling and always try to be open about both the joys and the frustrations / hurts of what we are battling. However, we need to be clear that any child who comes into our home has experienced a great deal of trauma. A child who experiences trauma is not like a child who has not. You cannot always treat them the same, react to them the same, express love / anger the same, praise them the same or enforce consequences the same ways as children who have grown up safe, secure and free from abuse.
Ryan and I were and are prepared for some overwhelming behaviors and situations. We will continue to deal with everything that comes our way in the best ways we know how. We know that issues stemming from trauma can manifest in problems that look like "bad behaviors" - but many times these are the behaviors that are reactions to life experiences. We are doing our best to love our child through these issues and there is no behavior that will cause us to question our decision. There are unfortunately times that trauma can combine with chemical disorders can create an unsafe situation.
I'd like to address one specific comment we've heard: "...spare the rod, spoil the child..." - this phrase is commonly believed to be in the Bible... it in fact is not. The Bible verse most closely correlated is: Proverbs 13:24 "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.."
Here is how I interpret this verse: it is far harder to enforce consequences and discipline with a child than to let them do whatever they want. This is true for almost any child I would say. While the words are "spare the rod" I strongly believe this refers to appropriate discipline in general. Not "taking my belt to their butt" or any variation of corporal punishment. While I'm not condemning appropriate spanking in loving homes, I am saying that there is no possible situation that would make it acceptable while dealing with a traumatized child who has experienced abuse. I remember being spanked as a child and it was always completely clear why I was being disciplined. It was clear that my parents loved me. I fully understood what was happening. This is the basis of discipline and consequences - warnings, explanations, love and understanding. When a child isn't connecting with one of these steps, there's a deeper issue.
In Genesis, when Adam and Eve ate from the tree and hid from God, He sought them out. When they admitted they were hiding because they were naked, He gave them clothes. Adam and Eve experienced the consequences of their actions but God made provisions for them out of love.
Which brings me to my last point... "if you just love him / her enough, it will work out..." There are times in life that love just isn't enough. There are also times in life that you love someone so much you have to make decisions that hurt. It takes a lot more than love to work things out sometimes.
We live in a broken world. This is made evident through the hurts our most vulnerable have experienced. We also live in a world in which restoration is possible. We see this through the healing of the deepest hurts to the world's most vulnerable.
We have had a huge amount of helpful parenting advice since we opened our home... however, we have also had comments about how to deal with negative behaviors. Yes, we have been struggling and always try to be open about both the joys and the frustrations / hurts of what we are battling. However, we need to be clear that any child who comes into our home has experienced a great deal of trauma. A child who experiences trauma is not like a child who has not. You cannot always treat them the same, react to them the same, express love / anger the same, praise them the same or enforce consequences the same ways as children who have grown up safe, secure and free from abuse.
Ryan and I were and are prepared for some overwhelming behaviors and situations. We will continue to deal with everything that comes our way in the best ways we know how. We know that issues stemming from trauma can manifest in problems that look like "bad behaviors" - but many times these are the behaviors that are reactions to life experiences. We are doing our best to love our child through these issues and there is no behavior that will cause us to question our decision. There are unfortunately times that trauma can combine with chemical disorders can create an unsafe situation.
I'd like to address one specific comment we've heard: "...spare the rod, spoil the child..." - this phrase is commonly believed to be in the Bible... it in fact is not. The Bible verse most closely correlated is: Proverbs 13:24 "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.."
Here is how I interpret this verse: it is far harder to enforce consequences and discipline with a child than to let them do whatever they want. This is true for almost any child I would say. While the words are "spare the rod" I strongly believe this refers to appropriate discipline in general. Not "taking my belt to their butt" or any variation of corporal punishment. While I'm not condemning appropriate spanking in loving homes, I am saying that there is no possible situation that would make it acceptable while dealing with a traumatized child who has experienced abuse. I remember being spanked as a child and it was always completely clear why I was being disciplined. It was clear that my parents loved me. I fully understood what was happening. This is the basis of discipline and consequences - warnings, explanations, love and understanding. When a child isn't connecting with one of these steps, there's a deeper issue.
In Genesis, when Adam and Eve ate from the tree and hid from God, He sought them out. When they admitted they were hiding because they were naked, He gave them clothes. Adam and Eve experienced the consequences of their actions but God made provisions for them out of love.
Which brings me to my last point... "if you just love him / her enough, it will work out..." There are times in life that love just isn't enough. There are also times in life that you love someone so much you have to make decisions that hurt. It takes a lot more than love to work things out sometimes.
We live in a broken world. This is made evident through the hurts our most vulnerable have experienced. We also live in a world in which restoration is possible. We see this through the healing of the deepest hurts to the world's most vulnerable.
Comments