Love is what makes a family...

Transition is always hard. It's always going to be. Transition from going from a house of 2 adults with no responsibility to a family of 3 with the responsibility of a child is a lot - let alone a teenager. Transition from one home to another throughout an entire childhood and then to a couple of strangers who (you are told) will be your "last stop" is, I can only imagine, overwhelming. So, while we were ready after meeting our girl to jump in with 2 feet... things happened and the transition plan flew off the rails. After a lot of meetings, tears, stress and confusion... our girl ended up in an emergency situation and moving in on Friday. It was a whirlwind weekend of activity and unpacking. We talked a lot. We ate a lot. We laughed a lot. We went to a ballgame and a movie. We bought groceries and shopped for clothes. We spent time together finding out what our family looks like and how we operate. Once again, Ryan's faith and confidence in our family has bro...

Well, as long and painful as this journey is, we continue on. After taking a leap of faith and putting our hearts on the line again... setting up a room with all her preferences and favorite candies, stocking the pantry with her favorite foods and making holiday plans, our placement has fallen through. To say we are heartbroken doesn't quite cover it. To say that we are having a hard time seeing God's plan for us is an understatement. We honestly felt like she was ours. While my heart took longer to respond, we were ready. With each step we try to remain faithful in hopes that we will find our child.

Every child is amazing. Every child is special and wonderful. Some just have experiences that put up barriers and walls making it harder to see the vulnerable sides of their personality. With that said, our daughter is amazing. She is quirky and resilient. She is controlled and intelligent. She is caring and generous. This time around, I'm riddled with insecurity and doubt. I am flooded with the need to be an incredible mom, not to fail her. To provide for her in both tangible and intangible ways. To teach her the lessons of the world while keeping her safe and loved and secure. I'm terrified that I'm not up to the task... but I'm here and I'm willing.  It's been a rough 5 weeks in one way and another. Ryan has been working out of town which makes like easier in that I have less mess to clean up around the house but harder in that I have more mess to clean up in my head. He's my sounding board, sanity and stability... and without him I'm a wrec...

To be honest... I have struggled with writing this post. I didn't want to. I still don't want to. Because I have to be honest. And I don't want to be. I don't want to share how I have been feeling. But here goes. When Ryan and I started this journey, I was convinced that I would be the one who could stay positive all the time. I am the one people call the energizer bunny. I'm the one that has all the experience and I sure as heck "know what we are getting in to." I was sure that when a child left, I could take it and move forward and be completely open and ready for the next one in need of our love.  I never thought I would be the one to struggle to keep my heart open after being broken. I didn't think my confidence would be shaken and that I would question this path. I never thought that if one of us would feel defeated that it would be me.  But, then it was.  When we first heard about our new placement, my first thought was "I can...

We are now approved through Anderson County DCS to take emergency (or any) new placements!! We are anxious, but excited, about this new chapter!

Update from the Asher household!  We are doing well... adjusting okay. We are still sad... I'm sorry for those of you I have bumped into recently if I have seemed weird or off... some days are better than others but can get lost in the clouds sometimes or just end up not being able to handle what I thought I could. It's not personal and I love you all...  We filled out our paperwork for Anderson County DCS and are excited about this new chapter... we know it will be tough, but we are open and ready for what God has in store for us next! We agreed, once again, to any age, gender, race, etc. and for up to 3 kids in a sibling group (GULP!) While getting things organized and cleaned up for our home study I saw the empty picture frames in the kid's rooms. These are frames that I bought for Greg and Alexis to frame photos of their friends and family... when each of them left, the frames remained in the rooms empty. I decided this weekend to frame some of our favorite ...

So, I've had several draft posts that I've started and haven't finished.... so I am going to try and cover everything in one and get it all out there! I woke up this morning with our boy on my mind. He called me last night (as he does most weeks) and I had to go back through my phone and find photos of him when I woke up this morning. My heart still breaks for this kid who has lived through more trauma than Ryan and I will ever know. This boy who so desperately wants to be loved but doesn't know how to accept it. This boy who still calls me mom. This boy who continues to make progress then throw it all away. We love him. We know that he had to leave and that our time with him served it's purpose and he needed to move on... however, as challenging as those months were, we still miss him. All the time. We are processing where we are and the heartbreak of having another kid who holds our hearts but isn't with us. It's not easy. I am heartbroken and ...

God has been putting his hand on us and giving us what we need the last few weeks in amazing ways... one of those was getting to lead this song at church on Sunday... I absolutely almost lost it while singing the bridge as I was overcome with the words... " All of my life. In every season. YOU are still God . I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship..."  While we do feel dry and weak and like we are walking though pain we know that God is working to further refine us. I was renewed as the song ended - I have never meant words more than these: "This is my prayer in the harvest, when favor and providence flow. I know I'm filled to be emptied again... the seeds I received I will sow."  We can be sad that we have been filled to be emptied again... or we can rejoice that the seeds we have received, we have sowed... and look forward to being filled again... to be emptied again. We are so thankful for every uplifting message, prayer, thought - and ...

So, our mantra has been that you can't fix 17 years in 7 months... and while we cling onto that, it doesn't stop our hearts from breaking. While everything in me tells me that I have found my daughter, the world has said it happened too late. I can't sleep for thinking about how things could have been different if she had been mine at birth, or 3 years old... 6 years old... 12 years old even... but by the time we found her, life had given her enough trauma that she couldn't accept our love and dreams for her. In 2 weeks, my daughter will turn 18 and has made the choice to leave. There's not much I can say about that other than how devastated we are. We have wrestled with this. Cried over it. Been angry and hurt. However, there's no longer anything we can do. We see so much for her. We see her talent and abilities. We see her drive and resilience. We can see her future as a nurse and someday a wife and mother. How do you cast that vision into someone who...

I have hated so much the years of "give you hurt to God" and "trust in Him and everything will work out." For every tear and stab through my heart of wanting so desperately to be a mom, those words felt like a twist of the knife. How do I just give the hurt up and trust something that I believed each day less and less would happen? How do I not resent a God who seems to be blessing every person in my Facebook feed and not me? Yes, I know I am far from the only person dealing with wanting to be a mom. But, those of you who have you own battles would agree that the road often feels lonely and dark. Last Mother's Day was so healing for me in so many ways. To cry with a boy who so desperately wanted to be with his mom who also found space for me in his life and his heart was amazing. This year, my heart has exploded. While it hasn't been without trials and frustrations, I feel as though I have finally found my daughter. Much like when I found Ryan, something h...

One of my favorite reads EVER is the amazing and honest story from Nia Vardalos who adopted her daughter when she was just 3 years old. When she describes meeting her for the first time (as seen in this clip ) she knew that this precious girl was her daughter. Nia has been open and honest about her process - from the failed IVF treatments and struggles with conception to the pain and struggle she had over being childless. Nia and her husband decided to move forward with a child who was in a foster-to-adopt situation. The story is amazing and a 14-year journey. Reading her stories (I plan to read her book asap...) has been inspiring and comforting. So many of her feelings of inadequacy and insecurity speak to my heart. Additionally, it gives me hope and strength in our journey. While it wasn't necessarily immediate with our girl that she's ours and she came to us as an almost adult and not a small child... this experience reminds me of Nia's story. When we sit watching a...

Here's the super late post about our first family vacation....  I have had so many thoughts about what to post and write about but just couldn't get the drive to actually do it. Now that it's been a couple of weeks I am ready to write about it!  Our first family vacation was exactly what we hoped it would be and everything we needed it to be. I cannot say enough about getting away and bonding as a family. In the midst of the stress of rules, trying to understand expectations, school, work and balancing everything all while getting to know each other, going on vacation was exactly what our family needed. Doing only the good things in life for a few days with no worries about being anywhere on time and the hardest decision being ice-cream now or later was the perfect way to learn our family interactions better.  It can be hard to adjust to new expectations - for us as parents and for our girl as part of our family. Having a minute to breathe and re-set was exactly ...

So, this weekend I had one of my favorite and real interactions ever. It was with someone I have long loved but, honestly, don't know well. She asked a caring and innocent question about how things are going... and I broke down. While I tried to recover from the embarrassment and awkwardness she laughed and said "I feel SO MUCH BETTER. I really thought you were perfect." I have never laughed so hard. First, for anyone to think my life is perfect or to think that I have anywhere near any level of perfection is hysterical to me. Second, what a beautiful and honest reaction. None of us want to feel like we are the only one living flawed and it's hard to connect with someone whose cracks we can't see. The last year has been a whirlwind. To be honest, the last 2 years have been rocky and crazy. Moving house, transitioning to a new job, Ryan transitioning to a new job, foster parent training, our first 2 placements.... all of that brought out some of my worst parts. W...

Because we have wanted children for so long, it feels like we have to be perfect. I can't be frustrated about things and Ryan can't wish for alone time. We can't be tired or spent. This can put enormous pressure on all of us as a family. Life with our girl feels comfortable and easy - but there is still an adjustment. The ease we have had with her makes me feel guilty all over about our boy. How challenging the time was with him.  Pressure is heightened as we think about the small amount of time we have to influence her future decision making. Everything we do has to be the right example and set the right course. After more than 8.5 years of marriage, Ryan and I are used to a good amount of alone time. Time to do whatever we want. Time to go to movies and dinner and talk about life. Time to make decisions and get on the same page.  We banded together with our boy finding time to catch up and talk but after he left we slipped back into the easy life we have always had....

For those of you who haven't seen us out and about... it's been 2 weeks since our girl moved in and we are so happy. She seems to be settling into life here well. We have been hitting the gym most days, she's been doing homework at my office after school and we have been cooking together most days. We are all getting more comfortable and life is good. I thought I would be sad to let my perfect guestroom go... it was the room in the house I could go and sit in when everything was a mess and it was so perfect, organized and calm... I didn't think I would be okay with it having a cluttered dresser with make-up and papers, seeing the best unmade and wrinkled and all the other things living in a room does to it! This morning I walked by the open door and saw the new curtains we picked out together hanging, the new comforter hastily thrown back in place, stuffed animals and throw pillows piled up and books on the nightstand - my heart almost burst with love. There is nothin...

It's been a couple of months since I've written anything and I can't really articulate why. In November my Great Aunt passed away, she and I were super close - for many reasons - but one being that we shared the common pain of longing for children we haven't had. It was always comforting to be with her and know that she completely understood the most difficult parts of my soul. Despite her heartbreak, she and her husband were always happy and laughing. They had a love that was all any couple could hope for. Losing her was losing the reminder that no matter what, Ryan and I will have a full and joyful life. I pray daily that memories of her will stick with me forever. In December, we reopened our home to taking another placement. We had a couple of calls, but no placements that panned out. Over the holidays I made a commitment to going all in and throwing myself into everything that came my way. It was an amazing time. Ryan and I enjoyed having time together and the fr...