So, this weekend I had one of my favorite and real interactions ever. It was with someone I have long loved but, honestly, don't know well. She asked a caring and innocent question about how things are going... and I broke down. While I tried to recover from the embarrassment and awkwardness she laughed and said "I feel SO MUCH BETTER. I really thought you were perfect." I have never laughed so hard. First, for anyone to think my life is perfect or to think that I have anywhere near any level of perfection is hysterical to me. Second, what a beautiful and honest reaction. None of us want to feel like we are the only one living flawed and it's hard to connect with someone whose cracks we can't see.
The last year has been a whirlwind. To be honest, the last 2 years have been rocky and crazy. Moving house, transitioning to a new job, Ryan transitioning to a new job, foster parent training, our first 2 placements.... all of that brought out some of my worst parts. Wounds from years past I thought had healed were, in reality, just buried.
I realize now that those wounds were reopened a year or so prior to all this insanity by people I loved at a church we dedicated a lot of our lives to. It wasn't intentional or malicious. No one can know where our broken pieces are and what puts pressure on them.
Feeling like I had to be perfect on the outside when I was so broken on the inside made me insecure and in need of constant validation. That's not a healthy place to be. It manifested itself in poor choices and volatility. Those things reinforce the self-hate and frustration making it all that much worse. Leading to the last few years being a full-on storm.
Transitioning other people into your home when you feel so broken inside is not easy. Our first placement forced Ryan and I together because he brought storms of his own. We had to put everything aside to focus on him - and we were an awesome team.
While our girl is amazing and we love her so much, many things about this transition have further pushed on my personal wounds of years past making it hard to always connect as a whole family unit. Understanding that has been the first, and powerful step to healing. In the last month each choice I have been made has been grounded in understanding of who I am. A broken child of God. I am not perfect. I cannot save the universe (as hard as that is to admit). What I can do is focus on influencing a sweet girl who has her own battles and deep wounds. Life now is making it to the gym with my family. Setting boundaries. Making dinner together. Life is knowing I can admit defeat. I can be wrong and still be okay. I can accept others and their faults and struggles. I can love people who are so different from me.
Those wounds reopened at church several years ago began to heal last night as I sang from my soul - for the first time in years - and found acceptance and validation at our church. This morning I sang - really sang - in the car for the first time in a long time. The kind of singing that makes your eyes flood and heart explode. A deep healing beginning to fill my soul as we hurtle faces first into our next adventure.
The last year has been a whirlwind. To be honest, the last 2 years have been rocky and crazy. Moving house, transitioning to a new job, Ryan transitioning to a new job, foster parent training, our first 2 placements.... all of that brought out some of my worst parts. Wounds from years past I thought had healed were, in reality, just buried.
I realize now that those wounds were reopened a year or so prior to all this insanity by people I loved at a church we dedicated a lot of our lives to. It wasn't intentional or malicious. No one can know where our broken pieces are and what puts pressure on them.
Feeling like I had to be perfect on the outside when I was so broken on the inside made me insecure and in need of constant validation. That's not a healthy place to be. It manifested itself in poor choices and volatility. Those things reinforce the self-hate and frustration making it all that much worse. Leading to the last few years being a full-on storm.
Transitioning other people into your home when you feel so broken inside is not easy. Our first placement forced Ryan and I together because he brought storms of his own. We had to put everything aside to focus on him - and we were an awesome team.
While our girl is amazing and we love her so much, many things about this transition have further pushed on my personal wounds of years past making it hard to always connect as a whole family unit. Understanding that has been the first, and powerful step to healing. In the last month each choice I have been made has been grounded in understanding of who I am. A broken child of God. I am not perfect. I cannot save the universe (as hard as that is to admit). What I can do is focus on influencing a sweet girl who has her own battles and deep wounds. Life now is making it to the gym with my family. Setting boundaries. Making dinner together. Life is knowing I can admit defeat. I can be wrong and still be okay. I can accept others and their faults and struggles. I can love people who are so different from me.
Those wounds reopened at church several years ago began to heal last night as I sang from my soul - for the first time in years - and found acceptance and validation at our church. This morning I sang - really sang - in the car for the first time in a long time. The kind of singing that makes your eyes flood and heart explode. A deep healing beginning to fill my soul as we hurtle faces first into our next adventure.
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