Our hearts

So, I've had several draft posts that I've started and haven't finished.... so I am going to try and cover everything in one and get it all out there!

I woke up this morning with our boy on my mind. He called me last night (as he does most weeks)

and I had to go back through my phone and find photos of him when I woke up this morning. My heart still breaks for this kid who has lived through more trauma than Ryan and I will ever know. This boy who so desperately wants to be loved but doesn't know how to accept it. This boy who still calls me mom. This boy who continues to make progress then throw it all away. We love him.

We know that he had to leave and that our time with him served it's purpose and he needed to move on... however, as challenging as those months were, we still miss him. All the time.

We are processing where we are and the heartbreak of having another kid who holds our hearts but

isn't with us. It's not easy. I am heartbroken and miss my daughter. Every single day. Yesterday someone said "I have heard that to be a good foster parent, you can't get attached. I'm not sure I could do that." My response was simple. "You can't be a good foster parent and not get attached.To be a good foster parent, you just have to find a way to deal with the trauma and grief when it comes." Ryan and I are learning to rely on each other more. Our relationship has never been stronger. If we ever get to a point where a child lives with us and leaves and we aren't crushed, we aren't doing it right anymore.

We understand that from the outside it seems insane that in just 6 months we could be so attached to a child that the grief of being separated could possibly be this intense. I don't know what it feels like to create life. To care for a tiny human that we created. What I do know is that God created Ryan and I to have hearts that were made to unconditionally love these kids. When Greg and Alexis moved out, it felt like my heart was removed from my body. Like I had been hit by a truck. Standing in their bedrooms makes me want to curl up in a ball and never wake up. While we know we don't "owe" explanations, we want to be honest about who we are and how we are coping. We are working through the stages of grief and it's not easy, but we have confidence that we will come through this stronger than ever.

We did make a significant decision this time around. We will be taking our future placements directly through the Department of Children's Services in Anderson County. This doesn't mean a lot other than our future placements will likely be more emergency and a lot less predictable as far as age, etc. Get ready friends with kids! We might start having some emergency needs for things!

Because I made the commitment to being honest and always sharing my heart:
This week has been hard. It's still a constant battle not to feel like a failure. A failure because we have 2 kids who are no longer with us. A failure because I can't create life. A failure because I love going on vacation and not having to pull a wagon full of kids toys behind me. A failure because I scroll through my newsfeed and seeing friends with their babies is like a strong and swift kick in my gut. A failure because I still wake up at night with tears streaming down my face because I dreamed I was holding my baby. Because there are still mornings that I have to switch the channel when diaper commercials come on. Because I still question my faith and whether having more would be rewarded with my heart's desire.