Love is what makes a family...

Transition is always hard. It's always going to be. Transition from going from a house of 2 adults with no responsibility to a family of 3 with the responsibility of a child is a lot - let alone a teenager. Transition from one home to another throughout an entire childhood and then to a couple of strangers who (you are told) will be your "last stop" is, I can only imagine, overwhelming. So, while we were ready after meeting our girl to jump in with 2 feet... things happened and the transition plan flew off the rails. After a lot of meetings, tears, stress and confusion... our girl ended up in an emergency situation and moving in on Friday. It was a whirlwind weekend of activity and unpacking. We talked a lot. We ate a lot. We laughed a lot. We went to a ballgame and a movie. We bought groceries and shopped for clothes. We spent time together finding out what our family looks like and how we operate. Once again, Ryan's faith and confidence in our family has bro...

Well, as long and painful as this journey is, we continue on. After taking a leap of faith and putting our hearts on the line again... setting up a room with all her preferences and favorite candies, stocking the pantry with her favorite foods and making holiday plans, our placement has fallen through. To say we are heartbroken doesn't quite cover it. To say that we are having a hard time seeing God's plan for us is an understatement. We honestly felt like she was ours. While my heart took longer to respond, we were ready. With each step we try to remain faithful in hopes that we will find our child.

Every child is amazing. Every child is special and wonderful. Some just have experiences that put up barriers and walls making it harder to see the vulnerable sides of their personality. With that said, our daughter is amazing. She is quirky and resilient. She is controlled and intelligent. She is caring and generous. This time around, I'm riddled with insecurity and doubt. I am flooded with the need to be an incredible mom, not to fail her. To provide for her in both tangible and intangible ways. To teach her the lessons of the world while keeping her safe and loved and secure. I'm terrified that I'm not up to the task... but I'm here and I'm willing.  It's been a rough 5 weeks in one way and another. Ryan has been working out of town which makes like easier in that I have less mess to clean up around the house but harder in that I have more mess to clean up in my head. He's my sounding board, sanity and stability... and without him I'm a wrec...