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Being honest... trusting God... trusting each other

For years I thought that I really desperately wanted a baby... like, a tiny, fresh out, baby. A tiny human, totally reliant on us for everything. A baby that we could dote on and raise all the way... from a clear mind to a full-grown human... I thought that is what would make me really feel like a mom... and they would look at me as being their mom.

As we started this journey, we knew we also wanted to take in kids that needed us. Kids that needed our unique life experiences and to receive the patience and love we can provide.

After our second heartbreak, I really didn't believe I could do it again. I needed that baby... the tiny human that I could hug and love and protect. The baby who couldn't fight against my love... a baby who is comfortable needing me... who would let me control their life (to some extent anyway!) Then... Ryan took a step in faith and convinced me to try one more teenager.

It's important to mention here that 12 years ago, this same man said he would wait as long as he needed to for me to realize that I was going to be his wife... I trusted him then and it was the best decision I've ever made... so I trusted him again. For a second time, he knew my heart better than I knew my own heart.
Life with my daughter has not been easy by any stretch... but it's been amazing. She has filled and expanded my heart and soul in a way I didn't even know was possible. We have amazing conversations and she shares he deepest fears and frustrations. She listens to advice (and sometimes even takes it). I watch her walk into school in the mornings and pray that she will have confidence to be the amazing, quirky girls she is even when others expect her to assimilate. I pray that she will be strong in the face of meanness and not let anyone break her spirit.

She is one of the funniest people I have ever met. I regularly have tears of joy and laughter over how weird and amazing she is. Her smile is contagious and her laugh can pierce the hardest of hearts.

She is one of the strongest humans I have ever met. She has come through unfathomable pain and adversity. She has made the hardest choices imaginable. Through that she remains focused and stable.

Since starting high school she has kept up with everything she has on her plate... color guard, orchestra, chess, interact, girl scouts, avid.... has straight A's.... and maintains healthy friendships.


Every morning I pray that I can give her what she needs to transition into adulthood... but mostly I just thank God for bringing me a man who knows the desires of my heart better than I do, loves me when I'm unlovable and is confident enough to make the toughest calls.

Close friends forget she hasn't always been ours. We even forget that it hasn't even been a year since she moved in... this morning someone mentioned her and asked about her younger years. I had to explain she's not our genetic daughter... he was SHOCKED and said that of all the families he works with, that surprised him the most. He assumed she was Ryan and I's daughter from birth. Yes, it made me ugly cry.

Life is so good.... and if you're wondering where I am if I'm not at an event or around town assume I'm with the amazing child in my house I count my blessings to call daughter.
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E Smith said…
I am sitting here crying like a baby. I get so much strength and empowerment by reading about your journey. It makes my heart swell to see someone so blessed with gratitude. You and Ryan are such amazing parents and rule models for your daughter. Abundant blessings to your adorable family!
August 20, 2018 at 4:04 PM
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