So, here I am having a perfectly wonderful day... Loren is doing well, we even had a great conversation about improving my selfie game this afternoon. Things are great at work and with Ryan... we are doing amazingly well as a unit
And then.
Tears. From nowhere. No warning. Nothing.
There's something about knowing that there's this amazing experience that I will never know. There's this unspoken understanding about how it feels to knit together a new human and bring that person into the world and raise it.
I won't feel baby kicks. I won't have a tiny human that looks back at me with my own eyes or Ryan's smile... or have the dimple in his chin or my horrible feet.
My dad, who is battling early dementia, loves his grandchildren. His genes are so strong and so many of them look so much like him. He won't have that bond with my children. He won't look at them and have that feeling that he's looking in a mirror from so many years ago. There will be no next generation of my daddy's children that comes from me.
I know it's selfish and self indulgent to complain. We have so many blessings. But there's just something that hits me every once in a while and I realize, this pain may always be there. Dull and often forgotten but there and painful when prodded.
And then.
Tears. From nowhere. No warning. Nothing.
There's something about knowing that there's this amazing experience that I will never know. There's this unspoken understanding about how it feels to knit together a new human and bring that person into the world and raise it.
I won't feel baby kicks. I won't have a tiny human that looks back at me with my own eyes or Ryan's smile... or have the dimple in his chin or my horrible feet.
My dad, who is battling early dementia, loves his grandchildren. His genes are so strong and so many of them look so much like him. He won't have that bond with my children. He won't look at them and have that feeling that he's looking in a mirror from so many years ago. There will be no next generation of my daddy's children that comes from me.
I know it's selfish and self indulgent to complain. We have so many blessings. But there's just something that hits me every once in a while and I realize, this pain may always be there. Dull and often forgotten but there and painful when prodded.
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