pleasantness

8 days!!

2010-05-19T06:06:00.000-07:00

In only 8 days, Ryan and I will be on our way to "jolly old England" - ha! I'm SOOOOOO excited!!! Most people have a lot of pictures of them with their siblings... I have exactly 3 with all 7 of my siblings. The oldest I am in any of these is 12. I am now 26. Yes, it has been 14 years and 4 weddings since we were all in the same place at the same time. The only request my mom had for their 50th wedding anniversary? All 8 of her children in the same place at the same time. So, June 5th, all 8 of us - with spouses and kids in tow - will be in the same place at the same time. It will be epic. 41 people all direct descendants of two amazing people. Congrats mum and dad in making it through 8 kids, 8 weddings, 22 grandkids and 1 grandkid wedding!

Starbucks and Friday

2010-05-07T06:19:00.000-07:00

I think the two were created to go together. What gets me up on a Friday morning, is promising myself that because it's Friday - and I'm still alive - I will go to Starbucks! The Friday morning Starbucks is special, it's not simply a dark brew or americano with cream (the mid-week pick-me-up drinks) no, the Friday morning Starbucks is something far more special. Sometimes a seasonal pick, but at the beginning of May, the choice is clear. Yes, this morning, nothing but a white chocolate mocha will suffice... aah, sheer perfection. Yes, it has half my daily calories and is usually gone within 15 minutes, but it is just amazing. How I love the peppy greeting as I pull up to the drive-thru "would you like to try a hand-crafted extra coffee frappucino this morning?" "no thank you" I reply, I know why I'm there and here's the best part of this glorious Friday morning's Starbucks trip - "I got a survey last week and have the code for a free tall beverage..." so awesome - free tall beverage. "Absolutely! What can we get started for you" was the friendly and sweet response "a tall non-fat, white chocolate mocha - with whip, please" mmmm... anticipation for that first sip rising... "no problem, please pull around" I pull up to the window, they take the survey and hand me my good mood in a cup... I take my first sip before even pulling out - yum... tastes like Friday to me!

"Friends are the family we choose for ourselves..."

2010-05-06T06:34:00.000-07:00

I wear a ring on my right hand ring finger that has those words printed on the side. It's a friendship ring. My best friend and I got them and, honestly, I cherish that $10 ring almost as much as I do my engagement ring. I clean them both at the same time, I take them both off before putting lotion on my hands, washing dishes or gardening. Friendship is one of the most important things in life. Marriage, to me, is first and foremost a friendship. I believe that friendship is one of God's primary lines of communication with us. Having Christian friends that can help you in life is so important. Having a friend who is not only loving and caring but also honest and speaks truth into your life when you don't want to hear it, is invaluable. I am blessed as I look at my life - and my hands - and see that I have the two best friends imaginable. I cannot thank God enough for bringing me not only the husband I was created for, but a best friend who shares my soul... and cannot thank them enough for putting up with me!
Friends can come into your life for a short period, a long period or be lifelong. I am thankful today not only for my lifelong friends, but also those whose path crosses mine at a time we most need each other. I am so thankful for those lifelong friends I can pray for, occasionally keep in touch with, and know there are times we will need each other - and will be there for each other. I am so blessed to have people in my life who genuinely care about me enough to be honest, to talk (even if they're running late...), call me out when I need it, but still give me the encouragement and affirmation to know I am loved. Grace, love and truth. I pray I can be a friend to the wonderful people in my life that are amazing friends to me.

"The righteous person is cautious in his friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray." Proverbs 12:26

spiritual attack

2010-05-05T04:26:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that when you are under a spiritual attack, it never seems to be in an area of "weakness"? You know the areas of your life that are a struggle and you are working on them, your guard is up. Then there are the areas that are pretty good, but you can usually see something coming and get prepared. Then there are the areas of life that you feel confident in - maybe this is just me, but I know there are areas of my life I feel like saying "alright God, no worries on this one, I got it!" Then, boom. Satan hits. It's a sneaky attack, maybe with a conversation or two. Maybe he gives you something you need in a way you shouldn't be getting it. Then, maybe a physical sickness or something to keep you away from where to need to be to get your faith and mind right. All of a sudden out of nowhere you find yourself slipping down a very slippery slope and teetering on the edge of falling off the cliff completely.
Here is where I am so thankful today: as I look back over this 4-5 day battle, I see how the small seeds of doubt and confusion all were planted - not only over prior days or weeks, but months. I see how Satan was able to create a little place in my heart for impurity. I also see God's hand at work. Every place I see Satan, I see Jesus. My decisions are always my choice, but I see the stronger Satan pulls, the stronger God fights for His daughter.
Imagine, while you are walking with Jesus, you want to sit down for a minute, tie your shoelace, something happens to draw your eyes off the path. Once your eyes are looking into the grass it becomes easier to be distracted by something shiny along the wayside. You hear, "be careful, come back to the path..." your response? "it's ok, don't worry! I got this!" As the you go farther off the path, the warnings continue "maybe that's not such a good idea, you might start to fall..." maybe you start to listen, but maybe not. Then, you feel yourself start slipping and suddenly Jesus is there "this is a bad idea, you're going to get hurt. Let's go." He follows you as you continue to slide. You are teetering on the edge and He's standing there next to you with his hand out "come on, let's go back."
I am so thankful to have a God who cares so much about me. I am so blessed to have a God who speaks to me through unlikely people and reminds me of who I am and who I am called to be. I am thankful for the boldness of friends who are willing to let Jesus use them to administer warnings, and to offer me a hand and walk with me back to the path.
There have been times in my life I have stood teetering on the edge and still looked Jesus in the face and arrogantly replied "I told you already, I got this" before falling or jumping on down in search of something that's never quite as shiny or exciting as I anticipated. I am thankful that those times are less and less as I walk and keep my eyes on Jesus and the beauty of the path that he has created for me. Sure, a piece of foil from someone's hot dog last week or a piece of glass from a broken beer bottle might look shiny or exciting, but how much more beautiful and real are the roses and bluebells God planted for me?
As you start your walk back on the path, there are no harsh words, no judgements or told-you-so's, then, you look up and see the most beautiful tree in bloom, "I'm so glad you're walking with me again," Jesus says with a smile "I've been wanting to show you this."

Springtime...

2010-04-26T08:26:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful that it is finally WARM outside!! I love sunshine, flowers, kids playing outside, yes, even the Tennessee "tropical" storms...
Every year for the last few, around this time, I get vivid flashbacks to 4 years ago, the butterflies driving down the street thinking of this guy I just met... everything is more exciting in the spring... I flashback to the thoughts "I think I could marry this one..." then I remember 3 years ago how the butterflies were building even more "I can't believe I'm getting married in a few weeks!" I still have those butterflies driving home... I still can't believe such a great guy picked me...
I'm so glad that the weather can remind me of how blessed I am in so many ways - but especially to be married to the love of my life and to have such a wonderful man to come home to every night...

family matters

2010-04-14T11:07:00.000-07:00

I'm a big advocate for family. I'm a huge advocate for marriage. I think with a lot of relationships these days, people just have no interest in really putting in the work. They realize that the relationship isn't going to be easy, so they quit. I'm not a quitter. I don't give up on much in life. Here's the deal with relationships though: they're a two way street. Let's say Ryan and I have an argument. I can explain my side of things, I can talk, yell, cry, whatever, but if he's not willing to communicate with me and work it out, we can't. This isn't about Ryan though. Over the last 3 years, we have worked really hard to talk about things - even the things we don't want to. The things that cause conflict. The things we deeply disagree about. By talking about these things, we don't necessarily change each other's minds, but we do understand where each other is coming from. We find a way to connect through our disagreements and, where necessary, we compromise. So, you're married and you are working on having good communication with your spouse. Everything's going well and you have a strong, healthy marriage. Although this isn't easy to achieve, it's very possible because, hey, you picked each other. You have plenty in common, a strong attraction toward each other and a desire to be together - If you didn't you wouldn't have got married! Here's where things get messy. Insert family. Neither one of you picked your family. You may love your family with all your heart, but you did not pick them. You love your spouse and picked them, but you did not pick his/her family. So, how does that work?? Sometimes it's easy and flawless. Sometimes it's a giant mess. Whether family wants to admit it or not, for the most part, they will always side with their family members. everyone (within reason) has loyalty to their brothers / sisters, sons/ daughters, etc. So, let's say a woman has taken issue with her brother / sister-in-law, who's fault will this issue be? It might initially be the fault of the couple as a whole - but soon, it will become the fault of the in-law. Another example is a woman who has a close relationship with her mother or sister, who has taken issue with her sister-in-law, she will explain this issue, in detail, from her point of view to her mother / sister. Who's side, then, will the other family members take?
Where is the balance between having boundaries, "leaving and cleaving" and maintaining a close and strong relationship with your family? When does an unhealthy "in-law" relationship become toxic to the point that it should be severed?

family...

2010-04-12T07:38:00.000-07:00

So, family. Here's what I think of with family - people who forgive you when you're stupid. People who know how to hurt your feelings most efficiently - and then how to make up for it equally as easy. Family to me aren't just people I am related to by blood (or by marriage!) they are people who understand me on a deeper level, people I am connected to in bigger ways. I am close to my blood-related traditional family, I've worked through some pretty big issues with several of them and feel like the bonds go deeper than just "I might need an organ transplant from you someday..." My older brothers were all married before I was old enough to know any difference, and their wives are as much family to me as they (and their kids) are. I remember my oldest sisters getting married - I liked their husbands so it was fine as far as I was concerned. When my closest (in location and age) brother got married, I was a little upset - I LOVE his wife, it wasn't that at all - but it was a very hard transition for me. His wife and I became immediate friends when they were only dating and that friendship has only deepened over the years. The sister closest in age to me... there have been some strong issues surrounding her marriage, but I believe we are making drastic steps in working through it - our relationship as sisters (I think) has shown incredible strength through the willingness and ability to move on. Enough about that. Anyway, overall, family has proven to be very important to me. My brother has always been my emergency contact. However many times we piss each other off, hurt each other's feelings, etc, we get through it. I am honest, open and upfront about what I'm upset about and he does the same. This, I believe, is fundamental in a healthy relationship - especially a family relationship! I've always know I was a little more "abraisive" than most, that I don't have a great filter from my brain to my mouth and that my face shows clearly every emotion than passes though me, but I never questioned the need for honesty, and I guess, confrontation. So many people think of confrontation as a negative thing. I don't agree. Getting in someone's face and yelling at them, yes, that's negative, but I don't think that's confrontation. To me, confrontation is, excuse my language, cutting out the BS. "You hurt my feelings, here's why." This is how things work (for the most part) with my family - not only blood family, but friends I consider family and my sibling's spouses. At which point the other people either says "I had no idea! I'm so sorry" "Yeah, I thought that might have upset you, here's how it was from my side" or just "it shouldn't have and here's why" any way you go, it's generally accepted. It doesn't mean it's not going to happen again, and it doesn't mean you are going to get an apology, it does mean that you have been open and honest and there's no question that the other person knows how you feel. Is this not appropriate? I'm just not sure anymore.How do you deal with letting someone know you are hurt they can tell everyone but you when they are pissed off with you and their only response is "$hit happens, wipe it off." ?

Marriage

2010-04-01T07:34:00.000-07:00

My heart is breaking over divorce this week. There are so many couples that seems so pefect on the outside that are falling apart inside. How many more of my friends am I going to see break up? Statistcs say a LOT - especially if Ryan and I are in the small percentage that don't!! It's devistating to me. I think that as married people we need to help our married friends fight for their marriages! I know since I've been married that there have been - and will be more - times that I have needed a comforting word that everything would work out, a different perspective about what's going on and most importantly a friend to pray with. I want to be that kind of friend. I know my marriage is worth fighting for. I know my husband does too. We are proactive about fighting for it before we ever feel like we need to. We have a non-negotiable date night and try to make time every day to talk to each other. We laugh together. We work on projects together and make plans for future vacations. We budget and do finances together. We fight - and we make up.
We've only been married for 3 years and we don't have children. We do have a lot going on, but I am NOT being naive about things probably being pretty easy for us right now in comparison to what they might be in the future. I am praying that the work we are putting in now will help us have a firm foundation for when we hit rocky times. I also pray that when the rocky times come, I will have a friend who will help me fight for my marriage. I pray that I can be a friend and help others fight for their marriages.
Married friends - I will pray for your marriages. I will fight for mine, and do what I can to help you fight for yours. Will you do the same? Lives can be changed. I know this. I've seen enough of the hurt and distruction that divorce causes and don't want to see another friend have to go through it. Will you fight for marriage with me?

decisions decisions...

2010-03-30T09:15:00.001-07:00

So, I have made some pretty big decisions in the last week or so... not that anything is set, but it's just a decision to make a move in a direction... confused yet? The question is, how much is what we make it / decide, and how much is God? I want to be in His will - I know I have freedom to make decisions, but I want to make the right decisions. Believing that he will close a door and open a window, how much should I pursue something? Should I just pray and sit back? or do I pray but actively pursue? So many questions... Why is life so complicated?

Epiphany!

2009-03-04T07:39:00.001-08:00

So, I have been struggling with a lot recently. It's so strange that I am discovering all this during Lent - no, not strange, God. I am observing the 40 days of Lent for the first time in a long time. I am truely searching for significance, for my purpose. I've felt distant - pretty much from everything for a while now. I've been thinking that it's ok for me to be in a rut, to be lacking in passion for anything because this is my "waiting" time. I am constantly looking at my life thinking "when Ryan's finished with school..." "when we start our family..." "when the test results say...." I find myself saying these things about everything. Work, home, relationships, family. But, God is showing me that this is NOT a waiting time! This is a time of preparation!!
I have been worrying that I somehow missed a turn, that maybe I'm not supposed to be here right now. Am I like this because I have been running from God's big life calling for me? Am I Jonah? No! I'm Moses, God has taken my mistakes and my shortfalls and led me to this EXACT place for an exact purpose. After Moses' heart was broken for his people, he had a time of preparation. He had a job, got married, worked hard. I am in the job I need to be in. I am in the life phase I need to be in. I have the people in my life that I need. God is in control - how is it so easy to forget that?! God knew the exact time to come to Moses in the burning bush. Was it easy? No. Was it God's perfect timing? Yes. Like Nehemiah, my heart has been broken for a people. I know that God has big plans for me - for each of us. He hasn't forgotten me, nor has he given up on me because I mess up too much. Each mistake and mess up are just more opportunities for Him to lead me, to comfort me, to show me that He can use anyone and anything. I am in my "40 years" - hopefully not literally! My prayer now is that I use this time to truly prepare myself for what is next. My prayer is that when God comes to me I won't say no but that I will willingly do what I am being called to.

Christmas time....

2008-12-18T12:45:00.000-08:00

So... a lot has happened since my last post.... I will sum it up quickly so that you might have a little idea of where I am coming from this Christmas season... Ryan and I have had many sturggles this year. Health, financial, job, stress, relational - you name it! I had surgery a month or so ago only to find out that the best treatment for me costs too much for us to consider it an option right now. I am trying to move to full-time at CASA but since it's a non-profit and times are tough, there is not enough financial backing to make it possible right now, so I am still working 2 jobs and getting very tired... Ryan has had a tough semester adjusting to being back in classes and still keeping his 40 hours at work along with the stress that he works for a construction company which hasn't got any work in a long time. These things start to build up and around Christmas time (which is also the most expensive time...) it's hard to feel the "wonder" and "awe" of the season.
I was beginning to spiral down into a "bah, humbug!" kind of attitude. A single friend of mine came over, also feeling pretty bummed all around about Christmas, and was convinced that since she's single, she shouldn't decorate or get a Christmas tree. "WHAT?" I said "You HAVE to get a Christmas tree!!" "I don't even celebrate Christmas, anyway" she replied curtly "You know I'm not religious. And I think it's mean to kill trees!" I was so bummed out when she left I was determined to buy her a Christmas tree while she was at work one day. Well, a week went by and I hadn't had the chance. I was starting to think she was right. Maybe Christmas IS just another day and the only reason we're exicted as kids is because of the presents. I wanted so badly to feel that fuzzy feeling when I drove down the street and saw all the lights, but all I felt was the pressure to get the cookies baked, groceries and last minute gifts bought and wrapped, and the need for extra hours at work to pay for it all. My friend and I made plans to go to dinner together and I was still thinking I would go and get a Christmas tree for her and bring it when I came to pick her up. So, I called her about an hour before we were getting together and she was SO excited "I GOT A CHRISTMAS TREE!!" she yelled into the phone "I'm so excited!! I'm going to pick it up and will meet you at the house so you can help me move it in!" I went over there and helped her move her incredibly heavy (root ball - replantible) tree into the house. I have been praying for this girl for 10 years. She is more family to me than some of my family. As I looked at her it was like we were kids again. She started telling me about how when she was little and they still went to church she used to love watching the handbell choir - she was just in awe of how they could get that beautiful music out of those little bells, and how they all knew to ring at just the right time. She said as she was running errand that day the memory came back to her and she thought "I do need a little Christmas this year..."
Wow. How could I have missed it? Christmas isn't about spending too much or trying to get everything done. Christmas is stopping and listening and letting the awe of the first Christmas wash over you. How could I have missed something I have been taught since I was so little? If I want it to feel like Christmas again, all I have to do is think about what Christmas really means.

Monday mornings.

2008-10-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, Monday mornings are often are the crappiest of mornings, but this one just really takes the cake. I mean, literally, if I had cake and was about to take a big bite, this morning would have ripped it out of my hand, taken a huge bite and washed it down with a cold glass of milk right in my face.
I woke up late with a raging headache (this is following a terrible night's sleep), got in the shower which had NO pressure and wouldn't get super hot - I have no clue why, other than the fact that Monday mornings are spiteful and mean. Got out and got dressed, drank a little coffee then didn't have time to dry my hair since I was running late. Threw on my shoes and grabbed a campbell's soup at hand and an apple and jumped in the car. I realized then that I left my cell phone and planner in the house. Had to go back to get them. Got back in the car and realized that something in there smells funny - I still have NOT checked that one out. Backed down the driveway and pulled out onto the road looking at the clock which said I had 4 minutes to get to work. No big deal, it only takes 5 at the most. Look back up from the clock and see a cop - hidden around a corner in front of someone's house in a parking spot. It looked like maybe he lived there and that the car was empty, but just to be safe I slowed down to the speed limit. He must have been clocking people sitting backwards because I was NOT over the limit by the time I was anywhere close to him, but sure enough as I passed him I saw the lights come on. Out gets the youngest looking cop I have ever seen. He asks for my license, registration and proof of insurance. He asks me why I was going so fast, and I let him know I only have 4 minutes until I have to be at work. I then hand him my license and proof of insurance no problem. Registration? What does that even really look like? I don't think I have ever really given that to a cop when they have pulled me over. Isn't it the same as the tag on the license plate? Anyway, I tell him I don't think I have it. He asks if the car is in my name, I say yes. He goes back to his car for - no lie, 13 minutes. What in the world takes that long?! So, I'm sitting there debating whether or not to put the radio on since I don't want him to come back and be mad that I've been jamming to Michael Buble while he's been writing me a ticket. He comes back to the window and lets me know he clocked me going, get this, 29 in a 25. I'm thinking "ok, so a warning...." NOPE. He goes on to say that he has a citation for me, and that the court date is in a couple of weeks. ARE YOU KIDDING?! 4 miles per hour over?! Really?! At least get me heading to Knoxville going 20 or more over!! Does he know I work at a non-profit?!? On the brighter side, my boss said he should not have given me a ticket and she would let me out of work for a morning to go to court for that. So, I guess it's off to court for me.

2008-09-02T06:28:00.000-07:00

So, we had a scare on Wednesday since Xanthe wasn't able to eat right away, but thanks to all the prayers so did start eating and they got to go home. She is SO beautiful - what a blessing!
I feel like we have been baby bombarded this weekend! First of all, it seems like EVERYONE has or is having babies!! We have been right in the middle of Xanthe coming into the world for the last week, then our friends Kandi and Steve had their baby so we were there Sunday afternoon before going to.... yep, Ryan went with me.... Babies R us for yet another baby shower gift. It seems like I have been spending a lot of time (and a LOT of money!) in that store... I almost started asking about rewards programs and stuff!!
I am feeling good that more and more we are assured that our lives are being held carefully in God's hands and that He has perfect timing for us for all the blessings that this life will bring. We are so thankful to have this time to grow together and learn more about each other before trying to bring another life into our crazy world!!
Well, I was really excited about having a long weekend, but it feels like I am more exhausted than I was before it started! We decided to start work on some (crazy and time-consuming) projects at home, I have had meals to cook and take places, a sick amount of cakes / cupcakes to make and take, lots of visiting and baby cooing to do, then as if I wasn't tired enough, we went to watch the game last night. I decided before we left that it would be better for me to go home at half-time since I really needed to get some sleep. I get home about 10:30 and started cleaning house and stuff, I had the game on the radio (yeah, no cable) talked to my friend Laurel for a while, then finally went to bed only I couldn't sleep because the game was now in overtime. I was so mad with the end result. I can't even talk about it right now. So here I am, sitting at my desk with giant bags under my eyes waiting, again, for the weekend!!

Xanthe - at last!

2008-08-27T07:15:00.001-07:00

It's been an interesting few days... We have been waiting patiently (or not so patiently) for Xanthe Noelle (my brother and sister-in-law's) baby to be born. We had been thinking "anytime now" for the last 3 weeks. Well, Monday night I had a feeling I should make sure and keep my cell phone close, and sure enough, at 12:30am-ish it started going off. It was Tim saying Annie's water had broken and he would call back soon and let me know if I should head over to take care of CJ (their 4 year old daughter). He soon called back and said "yeah, get over here!" so I threw on a hoodie and some flip flops (I already had shorts on, no worries!) and got over there! Annie was walking around and packing some last minute things. They said "it could be 20 minutes or 2 hours before we have to leave" I said, "ok, cool." So, we talked for a while. We watched a little tv. Around 2:30 or so I said I was going to try and get some sleep but I would take CJ to preschool in the morning and pick her back up - no worries. Well, I went to bed. I heard talking. I heard the doula come in. I dozed off a few times. At around 7am, I still heard talking and went downstairs to see Annie making coffee. "What the heck?!" I said. "Yeah, I know!" replied Annie. So, I headed home for a quick shower and went to work. Ok, so here's what was going on at work: my boss is leaving the next day and we have 5 grants that needed to get out, deposits that needed to be made, reports to finish, payroll to get out, bills to pay, and then all the regular daily stuff. So, I tell her what had happened the night before and that she should be having the baby anytime and that if it's ok.... "no, no, no!!" says Cyndy (my boss - who is the best boss ever and is always more than willing to work anything out) "we have SO MUCH to do!!" I reply "I know.... but I need to head out around 1 to get to Cedar Bluff to pick up my niece...." So, a decision is made. We will get to work - and we will work FAST! Despite the (many) interruptions, we kicked booty! We got a ton of stuff done and when it was time for me to head out, it wasn't too big of a deal. So, at a little after 1 I jumped in the station wagon (yeah, my brother's (beige)family car!) and headed to get CJ from school. I was in the pick-up line on time (even if I was last) and got her loaded up! We headed over to the DeColores Cafe for gelato and to look at the fish for a while (still no big contractions, but they were at the hospital), then we went to build-a-bear (yeah, I know, SO fun!!) then we headed home. At this point I am thinking to myself "surely the baby has been born or is at least close!" We get to the house. My brother is there picking up some stuff they forgot. "no big contractions yet" he informs me. So, CJ and I sit down and watch some tv. Then we play with Sissy (her build-a-bear). Then we play hide-and-seek. Then I get her some dinner. Then we watch a little more tv while playing a game. Then we get on buildabearville.com (yeah, it's actually really cool) then we play hide and seek some more. Then we play with Sissy some more. Then I think to myself "crap! isn't it bedtime yet?!" (please remember the giant lack of sleep from the night before) I look at the clock and it's not even 7pm. No joke. We play some more. Then I say "maybe we should get ready for bed..." low and behold, it WORKED! She said "ok, Nay Nay" (I'm telling you, this is the cutest and sweetest child. Any other child would have been long tranquilized and thrown in a corner, but she is SO much fun and SO sweet!!) So, we brush teeth, get pj's on and read some stories. Then, and this is the best, she says "will you read my devotion now?" and pulls out a devotion book. I choked back the tears and read it to her. "Wow" I'm thinking "no wonder Jesus loves being with children." So, then we say prayers, sing some songs and have a hug goodnight. I went downstairs and waited for my husband to come - who arrived with Chinese food! Yes, best husband ever. At 9:40pm we call and the baby has been born!! We went upstairs and watched tv for most of the night but for a few hours rest. Ryan left to get ready for work and I waited for my brother to come home. At 7:30 this morning, he came home and we all got ready and headed to the hospital where I got to hold the beautiful and precious baby that is Xanthe Noelle Lucas - born at last!!

After leaving the hospital, (where I saw Taylor Brown!!! who was waiting on Bill and Betsy's baby to be born - congrats Bill and Betsy!) already late for work, I stopped at Starbucks for a white chocolate mocha! Just what I needed. Now, I guess I should tackle this enourmous stack of work.....

2008-07-22T06:37:00.000-07:00

Do you ever look back at your life and see huge mistakes that you made? Maybe at the time it didn't seem like a mistake, but now you can see it was? I'm caught in amazement this morning thinking back on the last few years. I know that I have handled more tough situations badly than well. I know I had made many mistakes. How then, do I have such confidence in where I am and what I am doing now?
If I made life-changing decisions based on pride or frustration which threw me into a totally different place, how is that place where I should be?! Does this make any sense to anyone? I mean, let's say I made a giant mistake which causes my life track to be completely turned around, how did I end up in a place that feels like I should have been here all along?

bottled emotions.

2008-07-17T11:37:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had something happen that is so painful that it makes you sick? Like, someone said something to hurt you or told you something they should never have told you or you found something out that you were never supposed to know?
I wish that there was a way to turn emotions on and off. Or maybe put in a drain that whenever you are so filled with hurt, anger or other painful emotions that you could just turn on the faucet and let them all out.
I'm finding that I don't know how to deal with some of these things.
How do you explain to people that you already have more than enough to deal with and don't need more? How do you balance what you feel you "should" do with what you "want" to do with what you really need to do?! How do you know what it is that you need to do? What if you THINK it's what you need but then find out it was only what you want? How do you tell someone they they've hurt you when you know all that will do is hurt them? How do you figure out the root of the pain?

2008-07-10T06:16:00.000-07:00

Feeling pretty good this morning... I am having a "small procedure" done this afternoon. The last time they told me that they said it would be completely painless - well, it was nothing like painless. I had pain and cramps for about a week. This one they said might be "uncomfortable" - yeah, if painless meant what that did, what is uncomfortable?! Guess we'll see in about 5 and a half hours. I am praying that this works as the options left if it doesn't are quite undesirable... any prayers are appreciated!
So... moving onto a more positive note... I went to Sephora last night for the first time ever... luckily Michelle went with me - yeah, she's the best friend one could ever ask for. As many of you know, I am not a make-up wearer, but for some reason when I dressed up like a princess for my neice's birthday party and wore what looked to me like Barbie make-up, I got all kinds of compliments (especially from my husband!) So, heading on over there I was thinking "I will turn over a new leaf! I will act my age and start wearing make-up!" (I was also beginning to believe that getting $70 worth of giftcards to a store which only sells make-up for my 25th birthday was some kind of sign...) Michelle has the patience of a saint - no lie. Everything she picked up and said "this would look good on you" I said "woah! that's WAY too dark!!" or "it would look good on YOU!" (or something along those lines...) Everything I would pick up, she nicely said "that's too boring." or sometimes just "no." So, long story short... I left with all kinds of make-up on... and quite a bit in the bags I was carrying. I was going to recreate the sexy look Michelle showed me at the store this morning, but let me tell ya'... that extra 15 minutes of sleep was great. I did make a small step by brushing some pale goldish eyeshadow on, a little bronzer and a drop on lip gloss....

Here goes...

2008-07-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

It's been a long, long time since I've had a blog... I've recently been encouraged to start one back up, so we will see how it goes!
So much has happened in the last couple of years, and God has been SO evident through all of it. I can look back now and see why things have happened the way that they have and am so thankful to have a God that cares as much as He does to work in all the complicated ways that he does!
Ryan and I have just passed our one year anniversary and are feel as blessed as ever to have been brought together. We are so thankful to have the jobs that we do (however long and complex the road was to get them!) and are often reminded of how lucky we are to own the wonderful home we do - however much work there is to do.
More and more I am reminding myself to count my blessings. How easy it is to see the negatives and focus on the worries of life instead of thanking God for having the things that we do.
We have faced so many trials the last 2 years and have fought many battles, but I know that because we already have those experiences we will be stronger through the rest of our marriage and the rest of our lives.